Things I Didn’t Appreciate – the 2011 Version

30 12 2011

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I’ve had sinusitis/phlegm/hoarseness for three months since my musical ended.  I thought the symptoms just needed to run their course, but since I came to Hong Kong and took steps that have been finally leading to my recovery, these are the things I realize that I didn’t appreciate before now (first of an annual series, perhaps =P):

  1. Thermal undergarments: Who knew a thermal undershirt can mean that you no longer need to wear a jacket, when before I was feeling cold even with the Canada Goose jacket?
  2. Chinese herbs in…
  3. Chinese soup: delicious and nutritious =).  I shall be regularly making my own soup from now on (hahah this sounds remarkably like a New Year’s Resolution – let’s see whether this actually happens)…

  4. Waterproof shoes (top photo): warm, weather-proof, and slip-ons to boot!  Woohoo: no more cold, wet feet in the snow, or ruining your shoes after six months (what was I thinking wearing those shoes in that weather?  I am way too lazy with these types of things!)!
  5. Hot meals: So I guess I kind of knew that hot meals are infinitely better than cold meals but I didn’t realize how much better they make me feel, physically and mentally. Mmm.
  6. Bathroom exhaust fans: I don’t have one at home and I didn’t realize how much steam build-up can hurt my eyes.  This one’s just good sense.

So yes, some simple things I never thought were important now will be adopted into my regular routine.  Maybe it’ll help prevent and reduce the amount of time I spend with sinusitis…

I will let you know if it works out!





What It Really Means to Be “Busy”

16 12 2011

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So I thought my life was busy, but I only became recently acquainted with Busy when I watched one of my best friends balance her life with her new two-month-old baby (the cutest in the world, I might add).

One day I tagged along and on top of feeding her baby every three hours, changing him at least that often, and trying to keep him preoccupied and happy so he doesn’t cry when he’s awake, she also spent the morning at work, picked up her seven-year-old son after school, went to visit a daycare centre for both of her kids, dropped her partner off at work, got dinner for us, and somehow still remained as cheerful as ever and managed to keep me entertained all day long.  I think she often forgets to eat, but she makes sure that her family eats.  While I was there, she slept at the same time as me, but she woke up hours before I did, while also waking up periodically to feed the beautiful baby.

Supermom: I guess the word “busy” is reserved only for them (and Superdads).

Perspective. Gotta love it. It’s a beautiful thing. =).





Traveling Time Capsules

16 12 2011

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As of December 5th, 2011, the Basis of Medicine ended, which means the 1.5 years of lectures are now over forever.  In January, we go into the hospitals as second-year medical students: naive, wide-eyed, eager.  Ready to be unready for the experiences that will shape our lifelong careers.

Although we still pay tuition, we no longer have summer vacation as we once knew, as we are thrown into work at the bottom of the hospital food chain.  I am genuinely thrilled.

However, January has not yet arrived.  As such, all of the colleagues in my class are taking full advantage of this last month off, each in our own way, before we essentially start our careers.

For me, this month is a month of traveling, and this is the first time I’ve traveled to multiple destinations in one trip, visiting friends and family literally all over the world.  I figured, when am I going to get this guilt-free month-long opportunity again?  Probably not for years.

Thus, I am now on the third leg of a little December journey, and I am having an amazing time.

The brilliance of traveling to multiple locations like this is that I realized that each place I go to ends up reminding me of my past – a specific time in my life and the specific person I was at that time; engaging different, specific parts of my being.

In New York City, for example, I stayed with a friend I admire tremendously, and we share a strong interest in theatre, so some might say we were in the right city, and my theatre side was entirely fulfilled by seeing three shows, critiquing them with him, singing theatre tune after theatre tune with him as we walked home down the streets of Manhattan, and meeting many of his wonderful friends who are passionate about (and in many cases working in) theatre as well.

In Pennsylvania, I spent some quality time in the suburbs with my family of friends there, and it was like I warped back in time to when I spent a year with them, picking up exactly where we left off and having those simultaneously intense and silly conversations and experiences that characterize our family.  The pancake-toast man captured in the photo above is characteristic of our silliness =P.

Now I’m in LA with one of my best friends, and, of course, the focus is on going to the theatre and owning Hollywood, but in truth, it doesn’t really matter what we do, because he ends up dragging me on adventures anyway – just like old times.

And when I get to Southeast Asia and I’m with my family, I know that I’ll revert back to being a child: being told what to do, but ultimately, loving being taken care of (as long as it’s for a short period of time).

And it’s just funny that when most people think of travel, they seem to mean traveling to new destinations in order to open up their eyes to new worlds and things they’ve never seen.

For me, traveling seems to let me do the opposite: to go back in time to relive the best parts of my past.  How awesome is that.





Being Chinglish

8 12 2011

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I had the pleasure of watching Chinglish on Broadway in Manhattan while I was there, and it was one of the few times when I enjoyed theatre without people breaking into song in the middle of it.  Chinglish works for so many reasons, in my opinion: because it presents accurate stereotypes of the Chinese while making characters complex and multi-faceted; because it transitions between scenes with Chinese hip hop and rap that seem to capture the juxtaposition of East and West; because it takes an old concept of lost-in-translation and somehow still makes it fresh, hilarious, and extremely authentic.  As the son of two business people who are currently running businesses in China, I found the awkward dialogue and ridiculous business dealings extremely funny because of how shrewdly reflective they are of reality as I’ve heard and seen for myself in China.

That five of the seven actors are Asian (and I think even authentically Chinese rather than Korean or Japanese playing Chinese, which is not absolutely necessary, but nice, I think), gives me hope and inspiration for my own mini-career as an actor.  It’s true that this show was about China, and Jennifer Lim, the amazing female lead in the show, talks in an interview about the double-edged sword of getting opportunities specifically because she’s Asian, but also cautious not to get pigeonholed for the same reason.  However, I think shows like this are extremely positive because they feature Asian actors in roles that allow for depth and range in the performances, rather than casting Asian actors in limiting roles that perhaps reinforce beliefs that these actors have limited range.

But what moved me the most in this show actually had nothing to do with the specifics of race.  Well, I guess it kind of did.

*Spoiler Alert* An American businessman falls in love with a Chinese Vice-Minister of Culture in a (relatively) small Chinese city while working on a deal.  Both of them are married, and after the affair goes on for a while, the American wants to tell his wife the truth about their affair, because he’s in love with her.  The Vice Minister, however, thinks that this is a ridiculous idea, and tells him that if they respect their respective spouses, they would continue lying to them.  She goes on to say, in Chinese, the most memorable line in the show for me, which was this:

“Love is an American religion.”

It gave me goosebumps because I immediately understood the difference between the two.  The Chinese Vice Minister then talked about this word in Chinese (“ching ee”), which I understand roughly as a commitment in a marriage based on time spent together, mutual sacrifices, and dedication even if you are no longer in love.  It’s in contrast to the notion of romanticism and love and passion and chemistry that I’ve grown up with in Canada, and I, in many ways, am a follower of this latter religion of love.

Regardless of whether it was the Valentine’s Day industry that initiated this religion, this line from the show really resonated with me, because I realized what the characters were talking about was a difference of what love means to them.  Words are the best we have, but so often it is unable to capture what people really mean when they use them, especially with such packed words as love, where individual definitions are informed by years of living and redefining the definition of love, so that it may take just as long to understand what the other person is trying to express through that word.

The beauty and tragedy of Chinglish, for me, was the universality of this lost-in-translation idea applied to the concept of love.  When two people’s fundamental beliefs on love and marriage are so different, could the result have been any different?

Surely no two people’s definitions of commitment, love, and marriage are exactly the same, so how far apart is reconcilable, and when is it irreconcilable?

This last question is the one I continue to struggle with.





My Cat Has FOMO

11 08 2011

FOMO is a widespread disease.  As the world becomes ever faster-paced and we respond to every email and news item when our smartphone vibrates, incidents of FOMO grow exponentially.

FOMO is, of course, the dreaded affliction also known as Fear of Missing Out.

With the advent of technology, many of us feel like we need to know everything and be everywhere every hour of every day or else we are behind in the latest gossip and the newest fad and just life in general.  Somehow knowing things first has almost become the equivalent of being intelligent, as if just getting the information first means that we are smarter, better.

What ever happened to sitting back and reflecting and writing and connecting ideas and creating new realizations based on one’s thoughts alone?  Where is the emphasis on the importance of our individual observations and beliefs and perspectives separate from external validation and what the media think and want us to feel.

But in any case this post isn’t about human FOMO.  It’s about cat FOMO.

Our cat, Molly, has come down with a serious case of FOMO.  Perhaps all cats are this way.  Or even all animals.

As long as she thought I was still sleeping in bed, she was content in her cat nap, too:

But as soon as she hears any sign of me waking up, she does her morning stretch and starts circling me:

Molly never wants to miss out on what I might do next.  Maybe he’ll pet me, maybe he’ll feed me, maybe he’s going to rearrange all the furniture so that it becomes one big scratching playground for me.

She’s right.  Maybe those things will happen.

So what is my point?  Well, the truth is I don’t always have one.  But if I were to try and make one up, I guess Molly’s behaviour justifies my own FOMO.

You should always be alert and ready just in case.  Maybe that email at 4:34 AM in the morning is from the sister you never knew you had.  She knows you are in Montreal and she’s here for a trip, but has been back and forth about contacting you.  Finally, she musters up the courage to email you, but her flight leaves at 7 AM so you just have enough time to catch her at the airport if you read the email right away.  She’s headed to Uganda for a yearlong project with MSF so if you miss her today, you may not see her for at least a year.  What then?  What if you didn’t get yourself out of bed to check that email at 4:34 in the morning?  I would personally be sad if that happened.

So you see: you never want to miss out on something potentially amazing.

You never know when someone’s going to rub your tummy.





Cirque du Soleil is My Montreal

27 07 2011

After watching Totem at Cirque du Soleil in Montreal, I was speechless.

Yes, I was speechless because it was incredible, but I was also speechless because I didn’t know how I felt or what to think about the performance.

I was not really sure how I could categorize my experience there. I was, and still am, a wee bit confused about the whole shebang.

Cirque du Soleil, for those who may have not been, is a circus taken to unprecedented heights.  I did not know what to expect, so I had the same expectations going in as I would have had had I gone to a show at the theatre, and my expectations were simultaneously unmet and greatly surpassed.

In many ways, Cirque du Soleil taps into a visceral, primitive response that theatre rarely does.  When trapeze artists were lifted 40 feet into the sky, or when young ladies rode on unicycles four times their height while kicking bowls onto each other’s heads, or when acrobats performed tantalizing feats of amazement without using any safety harness, it was exhausting to watch.

It was exhausting because there were so many moments when I felt like I was in the performer’s shoes, so my adrenaline was pumping strong because my empathy made me feel like I was 40 feet in the air and about to fall, or that I was about to screw up in the act and disappoint myself and my colleagues.  At times, I could even feel fear for what might happen if the performer made a mistake and it cost them their job.

There was also an amazingly designed set – complete with a sliding main stage that could turn into a trampoline and a platform that could move like a scorpion tail; live musicians playing beautiful original music; and perhaps most impressively, an incredible use of technology and dazzling lights to help create illusion and wonder that constituted genuine treats for my senses.

The problem is I did not expect that.  I was used to seeing a different type of show, which thrilled me in a completely different way: by making me think about the story and characters in the play or musical or film, reflecting the themes and metaphors of the show onto my own life.

Not to say that one is better than the other, but I went in expecting one and got the other.

However, Totem was confusing not because it was completely the opposite of what I expected, but because it was a mix of both physical thrill and thought-provoking beauty.  There was a particular scene that stands out quite vividly in which a young man tries to seduce a young woman, who is resisting his advances, and their whole scene takes place high in the air on a trapeze, but they never lose their character’s intention during the beautiful choreography.  In a lot of ways, I think that is what I expected the entire show to be: a cohesive story being told through physical movement and athleticism, but only some of the acts were stories, and it did not all fit into the greater theme of creation and evolution, which Totem is supposed to be about.

Like Montreal, the Cirque du Soleil’s place of origin, the show is truly one-of-a-kind: full of rare, curious, and talented individuals who simultaneously fit together for a purpose, and yet at times clash and seem to be off in their own isolated worlds.

The transitions between acts were not always smooth, and the acts were at times chaotic, nonsensical, silly, and seemingly out-of-the-blue, but never was it boring.

And that’s exactly how Montreal feels to me: full of surprises, with so much going on (e.g., three festivals happening on a Thursday night), sometimes inherently contradictory, sometimes seeming to be without purpose (other than for a good time or simply because they can), but always full of passionate and delightfully strange individuals (myself included), who push boundaries of what is expected and acceptable, and truly celebrate uniqueness while looking down on conformity.

In fact, I was at the Just for Laughs festival and two young ladies were dressed as tongues – with complete make-up, taste-buds in front, and blood vessels on their back – and by golly they were the proudest, most confident tongues I have ever seen.  I would have been more than a little embarrassed had I been in their shoes, but they were running around actually making fun of other people in their flamboyantly rouge outfits.

I guess that’s why they call it Montreal.





Reclaiming My Asianness

5 06 2011

In a previous post, I had firmly said that I am not Asian-Canadian, but simply Canadian.  While I still stand behind that statement, I think that my post lacked some nuance.  I think there was a part of me that was not completely comfortable with my Asian background.

Funnily enough, it was being part of a skit for the McGill Medical/Dental School Talent Show that changed my perspective a little bit.  It’s a little bit strange because in the video, I actually portray a contestant for medical school in a Survivor-type reality show, and my only predominant trait in this competition is that I am Asian.  It was so much fun trying to come up with Asian stereotypes to make as part of the video.  The stereotypes worked because there is some truth to them, (I, for one, love drinking my green tea!), but my character in the video accentuates a myriad of stereotypical Asian traits to the point where it’s clear that no one person could ever embody all of those traits at once.  Our classmates enjoyed the video (below), in part because they’re aware that these stereotypes exist, and through this artistic process, I learned that my Asian background can be a source of humour, and through that, pride.  I’ve come to realize that building on the undeniable truth of my Asian heritage, rather than suppressing it and pretending like it wasn’t an integral part of who I am, is not only incredibly healing, but it can be leveraged as a part of what makes me unique.

But does that really work?

Well, let me introduce you to Margaret Cho.

For those of you who may not know, Margaret Cho is an inflammatory Korean-American female bomb of a comedian.  With 15% of her body covered in tattoos, her open bisexuality, dirty sense of humour, and her many adventures and shenanigans, she, in a lot of ways, does not fit the Asian stereotype.

I was watching scenes on YouTube from her “I’m the One That I Want” comedy tour from years ago, and I watched scene after scene without being able to stop.  Eventually I just watched the entire 90-minute show online, even though I should have been sleeping in prep for the all-important Talent Show the next day.

I think I couldn’t stop watching because I love comedy, but especially comediennes.  I think it’s because if a female comic can make it in this incredibly sexist business, they simply have to be stellar and incredibly tough.  But Margaret’s show was powerful for me not just because she’s a woman, but because her show was about her reaching the lowest point in her life.  It was about how she was forced to change who she is in order to keep her tv show from being cancelled, and it was the first network show about an Asian-American family.  She was “encouraged” to lose weight and to be more Asian – they even hired an Asian consultant for her.

I couldn’t stop watching, because here was someone who did not fit the Asian stereotype at all, and yet her Asianness is always a part of her.  She makes fun of her Korean parents all the time, she was held back in her field because of the way she looks, and she can get away with saying really crazy things in part because she follows that with a cute Asian smile or chuckle that forces you to forgive her and laugh with her and take her side (I try to use this Asian smile meself =D).  A lot has happened in her life, and she is thoroughly American, and yet her Asian heritage will always be a part of her story and her experiences.

Her struggles in her field stems in part from her ethnicity, but so do her successes.

A comedian succeeds based, at least in part, on what she or he knows, and part of Margaret Cho’s humour stems from her heritage.  It’s hilarious because there is at least some grain of truth to her words, and she has no qualms about leveraging aspects of her life to excel in her art.

I’m not sure that Margaret Cho strives to be a role model, but you know, to me I think she is.  I think she’s a role model because she embraces her ethnical heritage but never more than any other part of who she is.  She is first and foremost herself, and the path she blazes along the way, well that’s just a bonus, isn’t it?





People. Logic.

5 06 2011

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I remember I was so excited to be a lawyer for this mock trial I was part of as part of this national program called Encounters with Canada, where I got to travel to Ottawa for a week and learn all about the Canadian government and a theme of my interest, which happened to be law at the time (and interestingly not medicine…).

I was thrilled to be a defense counsel and I stayed up late and missed the fun social activities so I could create the best case possible for our defendant.  But really it wasn’t about the defendant.  It was about me.  I liked to perform, even at that young age (I think I was 14), and based on tv shows I thought my job as a lawyer was to out-dazzle the prosecution.  I created this elaborate opening statement and used the most dramatic, booming voice I had at the time to say it.  I really wanted the closing statement, i.e., the finale of the show (and I considered a trial a show), but I couldn’t manipulate my way into getting it, so I had to settle for the opening statement.  But boy would I show everyone that I deserved the closing statement by knocking the opening out of the park!

But we got to work with this real defense counsel from Ottawa, who was brilliant and taught us so much about real litigation.  But he said that I needed to tone down the drama in my opening.  And I had no idea what in the world he was talking about.  Sure, he’s probably won a few cases in his day, but my TV shows assured me that jury members have a flare for the dramatic.

In any case, I toned the opening down, and the jury members seemed to enjoy it, and I was smug.

I then went on to question a key witness in the investigation – a police officer.  Of course, with the whole trial being a show, and me determined to be the star of the show, I knew that my job was to completely discredit the police officer’s testimony.  That’s what they always did on those Chinese law tv shows.  In fact, the police officer probably did the crime and was just blaming it on someone else, so the best strategy is probably to trip him up during testimony and get him to confess to his faults.

If I remember correctly, I was very antagonizing during my cross-examination, and I was out to make the police officer look foolish, because that’s what I believed the jury wanted.  Drama.  Drama.  Drama.  That was the reason I watched those law shows.  For the drama.

We won our case.  And, of course, it was completely my doing and only my doing, obviously.

But the thing I remember most about my mock case was actually when I talked to a jury member after the trial was over.  He told me that it actually wasn’t an easy acquittal of my client.  I asked him why, and he told me that he wasn’t convinced that the police officer would intentionally make a mistake.  Why would he intentionally lie to frame the defendant?  He had no cause.

I remember this lesson for many reasons.  One is, of course, because it was one of the coolest experiences of my life up to that point.  But perhaps more importantly, it helped teach me that people are inherently logical creatures, and that we seek to understand motive and intent, especially in court, but even out of it.  I made the mistake of trying to make the police officer look like he intentionally deceived, but I had no evidence to back that up.  A much better case could have been made if I had gone with the line of reasoning that he simply did not see as well as he used to, being of his particular age.  I should have been careful to respect the police officer for his experience and authority, and align myself with him before introducing a little doubt in his vision.  I didn’t need to completely tear his testimony apart.  All I needed was doubt.

Most importantly, I learned that court is not about drama, even though it can be dramatic.  Lawyers aren’t meant to be stars of the show; and rhetoric, flare, and antagonism are not the most important tools in the kit.  The most important tool is logic – the ability to weave a cohesive story for the judge and/or jury that makes your case, whichever side you are on.  A cohesive story that doesn’t try to just tear out all the evidence and witnesses of the opposition, but paints a picture using the witnesses that someone can believe.  If an oppositional witness is particularly sympathetic to the jury and/or judge, antagonizing or discrediting him or her may not be helpful, but it can be helpful to create the context around this witness’s life that would explain a potential for error.  Success of a case seems to hinge quite a bit on which side is believed more, so as much justice is supposed to be about blind truth, because we have to get to that truth via assessing the believability of people, there is a lot of wiggle room to paint different ideas of the truth based on the inherent variability of human beings – the way a witness talks can seem untrustworthy, a judge’s personal history with crime can influence his judgment consciously or not, a lawyer’s ambitions to become a judge could influence which cases she takes – and through all of that we are supposed to determine an objective “truth”.

A lawyer’s job for the judge and jury thus reminds me, in a way, of Inception, where the key is to create an environment that is complete and foolproof, because if the target has any doubts in the scene, the mind starts attacking the story from every which way possible, and you lose your case.

All this to say, I’m watching this new show called The Good Wife, and I can’t stop.  It successfully paints a picture for the audience – a picture of a law firm and a particular female associate that constantly balances between idealism and realism, between family and career and love and law and ambition and politics and personal conscience, never being necessarily good or evil, but just struggling to do the best they can baesd on the opportunities available, straddling the lines between personal and professional, politics and law, human emotion and frigid logic, unconscious bias and conscious intent, ethics and practice.

The line in between all of that is the uniqueness of human objectivity.  The court of law is supposed to be about truth and justice and objectivity, and it is; but in reality, every judge, client, lawyer, and jury member has their own interests and motivations for their actions, and it’s best when everyone owns up to and embraces their bias, as long as they also agree to play within the rules of the game as well.

The game is all about creating a story that makes the most logical sense based on the evidence available, but emotion, personal bias, and individual intent are always a part of the equation, because we’re dealing with the medium of people.  The stronger you feel about something, the more likely you’ll remember it and think about it, and that’s because emotion and the brain cannot be separated.  It’s been established that emotion changes our memory of something, and emotion is an inherent part of how the brain is able to function: know what is good for the individual (e.g., a yummy orange) and what to stay away from (e.g., an abusive relationship).

There is no true “objective” judgment if people are ever involved, because that’s not how our brain works.  The key, I think, is thus to better understand human logic (i.e., the logic of people) and leverage it for better human interaction, both in court and out.





Fighting for Your Relationship

5 06 2011

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I’ve never believed in fighting to make a relationship with a significant other work, because I believe that two people should want to be together, and it should not be forced or coerced into happening.  For some reason, I thought that these types of relationships should just happen if they were meant to happen, and having to try to make a relationship work is a siren that both parties should just move on.  It should just be “easy”.

But then I thought about every other area in my life: my friendships, my career, even my non-medical passions.  I pursue each rigorously and proactively, both because I want to and because I have to in order to make it work.  I forced myself to study for the MCAT because I want to be a doctor so badly that I knew this hoop was worth jumping through.  I try my best to regularly Skype with friends not in Montreal because my friends are amazing and well worth the scheduling and technological difficulties.  I can sacrifice weeks of my life to getting ready to perform in a show because it’s fun and I know the results will be spectacular.

So why would pursuing a relationship with a partner be any different?  Why did I think that this type of relationship would not require effort and work and commitment?

One of my very good friends told me that one of the goals she wrote down explicitly is to seriously pursue the finding of a partner.  It was something I never considered could even be a goal, because it’s not something in my control.  It’s not like my goal of getting into med school, which I have a clear application path for.  I can’t apply to have a significant other, and I don’t know when I will meet this person.  I like organization and structure.  I don’t like messiness and things that are out of my control, and relationships, almost by definition, are out of my control.

I always thought relationships should just “happen naturally”, so it’s not up to me.  It’s up to opportunity and fortune, like the chance that any two particles in a container would touch randomly.

But then I am reminded of the famous quote by Henry Hartman: “Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity.”

Yes, I can’t control when I will find the right person to be with, but that does not preclude me from understanding who I am so that I can understand who may complement me in a relationship.  It doesn’t preclude me from allowing myself to be open to the possibility of being in a relationship, whatever that preparation may mean for me.

So I realized that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a directed goal to be in a relationship.  I think that goal has always existed, but for a lot of reasons, I’ve been too scared to admit it out loud to myself.

I made this whole big to-do about Facebook relationship statuses a few blog posts ago, and I still don’t think that I will post my relationship status for various reasons, but I think a big part of that post arose from my fear of actively pursuing a long-term relationship and being rejected in the process.  So if I never announce it to the world, I never set myself up for failure and embarrassment.

If I never try to make a relationship work, I can just say that it was never meant to work out when it falls apart.

But I think I may be ready for that to end.  I may be ready for a paradigm shift.

Ready to be ready for the messiness and chaos that is trying to make a relationship work, because, as cliche as it is, “everything worth having is [indeed] worth fighting for”.





Family in the Dark

2 06 2011

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A few weeks ago, my family came to visit.  No, not my biological family, but my Pennsylvania family.  The eclectic group of friends I met during my time there that embraced me for who I am and made me feel at home in a place far from home.

Well, a few of them came to visit Montreal for the first time, and they drove eight hours or took a long, expensive flight just to come for a weekend.  They all have work and children and partners and gigs and busy lives to lead back home, but they all took the time to visit me nonetheless, even though they only had three days.

That’s family.

Even though there was limited time, I feel like we did a lot together.  Mostly we chatted the day away and cramped our abdominal muscles from the constant laughter, but we also shared some new experiences.

O. Noir is a unique dining experience in complete darkness, where you order the meals beforehand (with the option of ordering surprise dishes for those adventurous types!) and then follow your blind wait staff (by putting your hand on the person in front of you and walking slowly) into the darkness.  You go from being able to see…to not.

When I lost my vision in this way, I started having trouble breathing.  I kept looking around the room as if there was some light that was hiding in a corner somewhere and if I just looked hard enough, I would find it.  It was difficult to get used to the idea that, contrary to my usual beliefs, working harder and trying harder was not going to help me out of this situation.  I experienced what felt like a panic attack, and I was ready to dash out of that room even though I knew that I would probably run into people and chairs and still not find my way out.

But then we sat down and during one of my shortness of breath episodes, I grabbed the hand of my friend next to me.  And suddenly, I could breathe a little easier.

She did not seem to care that we were no longer able to use our vision.  In fact, she found it pretty darn cool.  And her infectious and optimistic energy started warding off my fear.  My fear that losing my vision meant losing an integral part of who I am.  I started talking to my friends at the restaurant, and they were joking and laughing, just like we had been when we were outside at a bar.  Nothing changed other than this new dimension of experience.  In fact, it was fascinating to experience bread for the first time without vision: really appreciating the interplay of texture and taste.

My friends helped me realize that we were no different even if we did lose our ability to gauge facial expression and body language.  Even though we became unaware, at times, that we would be shouting to compensate for not being able to visually gauge whether someone had heard what we said.

I also realized that I felt better when I shut my eyelids.  It was about being in control.  When I closed my eyes, I could tell myself that I chose to not be able to see, rather than face the reality that I was unable to.  I could tell my brain that this is a condition that is normal – i.e., what I do during sleeping or blinking – so there was no need to panic.  My friends did not have this issue, but it certainly helped me to keep my eyes closed for most of the meal.

After tightly grasping my friend’s hand for quite some time and chatting nonsensically nonstop as a manifestation of my panic, I eventually calmed down and joined my friends in formulating a scenario where one of us would pretend to loudly propose to another in the restaurant, but the person being proposed to would say no, because he/she is in love with someone else, who just so happens to also be at O. Noir that night.  What a delightfully ridiculous farce that would turn out to be, right?

Ohkay, so I know that joke probably only makes us laugh, but that’s my whole point.  Being silly with my friends helped me stop worrying about my fear and start concerning myself with the uniqueness of that evening, really sampling the surprise food items that my friends chose (I could not choose surprise items myself…), which were all delicious, by the way.  I finally stopped trying to extrapolate the experience outside of the contained time and space that it was kept, and I just enjoyed an incredibly fun evening with my friends.

It’s good to have your family with you when you are scared to do something you’ve never done before.  You know a whole team of capable individuals is there to catch you if you fall…or in my case, try to run out screaming and fail miserably while breaking many things in the dark.








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