The brilliant cartoon above is from PhD Comics and I think it is relatable to anyone who has ever been a student…
One more change that happened in January was that I decided to leave the MD-PhD program, meaning that I’ll still be finishing my medical degree, but will no longer be pursuing my PhD at McGill (so I’ll be at McGill for four years instead of seven, and I get to graduate with my current med class, who I adore).
I believe in hard work. I don’t believe that getting anything valuable comes without dedication and perhaps some sacrifices. This is why I stuck with research despite never truly loving it. I told myself: one day, it’ll all make sense for me, and it’ll all be worth it. When I find the right project, I will love research.
But that day never came.
Despite doing research in a variety of fields and working on fantastic projects, something never felt quite right. Being in the musical helped me realize what was wrong. For the show, we had Saturday and Sunday rehearsals, and I would have to wake up in the mornings after an exhausting week (never getting to sleep in), but I would still be so excited to work on this show. It never felt like an obligation. I realized that if I truly loved research, I should wake up eager to do it, just like for my rehearsals.
But I never was.
The last straw was when I was late for a research deadline at McGill and it was in no small part because I had procrastinated on it. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself, for being so irresponsible and so contrary to my perfectionist and ambitious nature. I realized that by my own standards, I was only ever a mediocre researcher, when I could be and should be a stellar something-else. That is when I decided that I must leave the MD-PhD program.
I think part of the issue is that I have a genuine love of science, and I never want to let that go. Being able to work as a healthcare professional is a dream come true, but medicine is not science, and I don’t want to give up my scientific roots, the thrill of discovering new bits of information about the world and understanding why and how life works. I love reading science news on a daily basis, and I want to leverage that passion to contribute to society.
But I realize now that doing my PhD in neuroscience wasn’t the way for me to tie science into my life. I’ve always believed that basic research discoveries are directly applicable to society, which is why I try to share science news with my friends and colleagues on Facebook and Twitter on a daily basis, hopefully demonstrating the relevance of science in everyone’s lives. I’m also passionate about the need to turn science into public policy, so that changes can be made to laws and governmental programs based on well-researched opinions and beliefs. I always thought that my passion for relating science to the public meant that I should be focused on the research side, but I was wrong. I need to and my skill set lies in working with people, which I think means that I need to focus not on the research side, but perhaps on the scientific journalism side, or the public policy side.
I think that the MD-PhD looked perfect for me on paper: a structured, obvious route that neatly ties all my passions into one career trajectory. It is a well-recognized career path, and I sold myself on all the perks of that. I think a part of me always felt like this road was not quite right for me, and yet I never wanted to confront this hidden self. The MD-PhD is such a wonderful program, and choosing not to continue with it would have meant that I had to carve out my own path – a less well-tread one – and I was frankly too scared to make myself face this possibility on top of all the other changes I was already making (i.e., starting a new life in Montreal).
The MD-PhD program is like a prestigious train to a beautiful location that I wanted to hop on before I missed this golden opportunity, so I didn’t think it through as much as I should have and I silenced the part of my brain that nagged at me because everyone tells you that you should be honoured to be on this train and heading to such a wonderful destination, and you feel the same way. And by the time you do realize that this might not be the train for you, it had already left the platform, and you feel horrible inconveniencing the conductor, the driver, and all the other passengers, especially when you being on this train meant that you had taken someone else’s spot.
The downside of loving structure and planning as much as I do is that I am easily drawn to ready-made programs and paths that seem almost perfectly suited for me. The key word in that sentence is almost perfect. The truth is that I’m finally at a stage of my life where I know what I love and what I do not love, and I’m unwilling to make myself do any less than what I feel that I deserve and that which makes me happy. I also finally have the experience, knowledge, and most importantly, courage to carve out my own journey in life.
Maybe that’s reckless, young, and naively optimistic, but if that’s the case, I hope I continue being this way forever.